What I have Learned about Fear

It’s a fucking liar.

I do not want to count the opportunities I passed up, because of my fear of failing. Or the toxic relationships I subjected myself to, thinking that was what I deserved. Sure, as a Canadian in the GTA I have been up the C.N. Tower - and it basically paralyzed me with fear, but I didn’t fall. The floor didn’t give away, and I returned to my existence safely. Now, ask me to teach a yoga class and I’ll know that I am capable, but I will be sick with fear prior and count the minutes until it’s over. Why? What am I so afraid of really? The things we convince ourselves of, out of fear, are astounding. I ask you, be mindful today - and see how many times you go to a fearful/negative thought, or answer a question or invite with a response based on fear. We need to stop tormenting ourselves.

I have had an incredibly challenging start to this year. It began with my life as I knew it, being pulled out from under me, moving, ending a relationship I thought would turn into marriage, losing my elderly cat a few weeks later, my grandmother having a stroke, and me finding a lump in my breast ( turned out to be a cyst ). The list went on. I was broken, I felt so very defeated by life, and everything terrified me. I still got up, and went to work, and looked after the fur kids, and did my best to hold my shit together - but it took a few months of self reflection, pitchers of sangria, and finally acceptance, before I was able to sort through the mess in my head and heart, figure it out, and let that shit go.

Suggestions to help process and overcome fear;

Don’t run from it. This is the least productive thing you can do. It can lead to patterns that result in “destination addiction”. Running from one relationship to another, from one job to the next, one fad to another, because something about these things scared you.You assume that “next time” it will be better, you’ll find the answer, happiness. Then you wonder why the cycle continues, and this happiness is eluded.

Figure out your fear. Where is this feeling coming from? Really. Don’t blame whatever is at hand in front of you - dig deep inside yourself, filter through the bullshit you’ve been telling yourself to validate this behaviour, and find the underlying cause. Oh, there...there is is. A parent telling me as a child I would never be good enough. That is why I settle for men who treat me like crap. That is why I didn’t pursue a career as a veterinarian. You have the ability to be honest with yourself, I suggest you do it, and then work on healing and moving forward from it.

Begin to factor into your life, little by little, the things that would usually scare you. I don’t mean jumping out of planes, or going back to your ex - I mean take yourself out for dinner, just you, alone. Buy an article of clothing you otherwise would’ve thought you couldn’t “pull off”, initiate a conversation with that acquaintance of yours you’ve always felt drawn to. Go to the gym, and give zero fucks about what the people around you may think.

Love yourself. Oh that sounds pretty, and easier said than done doesn’t it? After all, there are days when you feel unlovable or relationships that make you question your worth - but believe me, we all have those days. If we love ourselves more, fear cannot factor into our lives to the same extent it does. It cannot rob of us potential relationships, careers, experiences, moments. With self love, come belief, comes confidence, comes self respect. Those bad fear based decisions decrease, the feelings of inadequacy dissolve, what may seem like rejection - is just a difference of opinion.

Should you catch yourself in a questionable moment, ask yourself “Do I want to make this decision out of fear? Or out of love?”. There are only two choices. Please, choose love. You deserve it.